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Asian House

Sunday 16 September, 2018
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Asian House - Titusville - .5 Stars

"Swill Alert"

As a business, I am constantly inundated with solicitors trying to get me to switch from my current card processor to them. Every pitch is the same: if you are using Square, PayPal, or Apple Pay we can beat their rates. For the first few months, I said "okay, great - send your salesperson over and show me how you can do it." In all three instances the salesperson quit their job because I exposed the half truths of the pitch. How did I do that you say? Well, here is the secret...I read the contract and showed them the flaws. What does this have to do with my review of Asian House?

If you look at the photos I posted, you will see one where a bellicose woman in a head scarf was pitching to the owners of this establishment on the benefits of switching credit card processors. This person was so loud she was drowning out the house music that was playing. It went on for literally 12 minutes. The upside? Listening to her ear-piercing banter was more enjoyable than the wretched swill this restaurant is serving. My thoughts for the owners of this restaurant are that they should worry more about the food because they won't need credit card processing if the refuse you are serving here doesn't improve.

As you enter this restaurant, you immediately notice a disgusting smell emanating from the garbage dumpster bizarrely situated next to the front door. My first thought was "why would you want every single customer smelling your rotting garbage as they enter?" Totally befuddling to me.

My server was a very charming woman named Angela. She was professional, courteous, and very supportive in light of the stomach-churning swill served here. Because my innards were already disaffected due to the dumpster waft, I decided to keep it simple. Spicy tuna hand roll and an order of Snow White prawns. The shrimp were butterflied, which made me wonder why you would butterfly cheap, low-grade, popcorn-size shrimp. The answer? So you can load each one up with 5 ounces of thick pasty batter. I could not cut the shrimp with a knife. No joke - I literally had to bite and gnaw at it to break a piece of shrimp off. Once I did I spit it back out immediately. Absolutely gross. What made it worse was the white sweet gamete-like substance on top of the un-chewable shrimp.

For the spicy tuna roll, they served me the same panko-encrusted, chopped up salmon that I was served at Sumo in Indian Harbour Beach. I asked if the sushi binder was Japanese, and they responded, "no, Chinese," so maybe that accounts for this experience. All I can say is Sumo is officially the second worst sushi in Brevard as Asian House is officially the worst based on my experience here today.

The Big Boy says, stop and whiff the dumpster by the door. It's more pleasing to do than eat the food here. #bigboydiningout
#iamthebigboy

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