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Brunos Pizza Beachside

Wednesday 28 November, 2018
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Bruno's Pizzeria-Merritt Island- 0.5 Stars

"Swill Alert"

Bruno's Pizzeria-Merritt Island- 0.5 Stars

"Swill Alert" "Absolute Worst Pizza In Brevard"

"Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all." -- Harriet Van Horne

Found inside a dingy dump of a building on Orlando Avenue in Cocoa Beach sits store #2 in the expanded chain of Bruno's Pizzeria, the first being in Merritt Island.

One would think that when a restaurant opens a new location they must be doing something right. However, in the case of the Bruno's Pizzeria, they would be sadly mistaken. While my server, Susie (who doubled as the barkeep) was exceedingly charming and friendly, not even her professionalism or personality could save this food. I ordered their Stuffed Meat Pizza consisting of pepperoni, ham, sausage and meatball.

Waiting for Susie to return with our order I noticed the inside was not all that better than the outside of the building. While kept neat and tidy, there was this overall sense of foreboding and dilapidation snuggled into the shadowed corners and ceiling of this aforementioned dump of a little shack. The mood immediately changes with the return of the ever suave Susie with the meal.

I wasn't sure if this was the Stuffed Crust Pizza of Pizza Hut infamy taken to extremes or a poor knock-off of Chicago Style Deep Dish Pie, either way, it was a huge letdown. The crust was stuffed if one can call it that, with some of the cheapest tasting pizza sauce I have ever had the displeasure of eating. Seriously, the Ragu pizza sauce you can buy in a jar at Publix is a step up from this and that stuff is crap. Not wanting the sauce to look out of place, the crust, while cooked to an aesthetically pleasing golden brown and garnished with sprinkled parmesan cheese gave the experience of chewing on construction paper only not as tasty.

Sadly, once I broke through the upper crust, I was greeted with more of the same repulsive sauce and the grossest meats I have yet to encounter in a low-end eatery such as this. The pepperoni was devoid of all flavor, the ham was pre-processed, pre-formed, injected with flavorings, and then sliced, the sausage was not only tasteless but had the consistency of a wad of paper resembling the spitballs of junior high, the meatballs tasted exactly like the cheap meatballs served at concession stands at high schools across the country. They had that processed food taste like they weren't real meatballs or even food for that matter. What I can only surmise was a loan slice of green bell pepper was found trying to escape the horrors of the kitchen by hiding inside my pizza. Glancing at the menu I don't even know what a green bell pepper was doing in the kitchen in the first place as the menu clearly stated they had "sweet" bell peppers and one does not need to be a food critic to know the green ones are not the sweet ones (it's the red, yellow and orange ones). When you deal in the lowest common denominator, you can't have high expectations and clearly, the staff at Bruno's has very low expectations.

The ingredients used here make Domino's look gourmet. While I did not see my least favorite food purveyors truck outside, I am willing to bet the Big Boy Mobile they get their crap from Sysco.

The Big Boy says, "Not in this or the next lifetime."

#iamthebigboy #bigboydiningout