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Cape Grill & Bar

Saturday 16 February, 2019
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Cape Grill & Bar- Cape Canaveral- 0.5- Stars

SWILL ALERT

"Food should be enjoyed rather than endured." -- S. Hamilton

Ah, vacation resorts. They are really hit or miss. They are either spot on with everything including in house eating establishments, or they are not. Located deep within the heart of the Holiday Inn Club Vacations Cape Canaveral Resort lies the apt named Cape Bar & Grill. The resort is beautifully kept and the grounds are meticulous, but don't let that fool you. What awaits inside hardly passes for food.

My first clue as to the quality of the slop they were slinging in the kitchen should have been that I was the sole customer in the joint at high noon. As such, I couldn't for the life of me understand why the server, Erin, was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Pausing briefly in her scurrying long enough to present me with a menu, Erin scuttled off promising to return anon. Carefully reading the menu, I thought it read well enough. They had your standard beach diner offerings from burgers, to tacos, to shrimp and steak.

Erin returned looking rather out of sorts and I placed an order for one serving of the Blackened Fish Street Tacos and one Greek Burger. Double checking the order, Erin went to submit it to the kitchen crew and I took the opportunity to glance around. The place was clean, neat and empty. Man, was it cavernous in this joint. 15 minutes and still no sign of Erin and my food. I tap on my watch to make sure it is still ticking and lo and behold, it was operating just fine, thank you very much. Finally, after 24 minutes, Erin can be seen exiting the kitchen with our order. 24 minutes for two entrees at lunch...in an empty restaurant?? I know it wasn't the servers fault, she didn't cook it, so I didn't take it out on her and made a note about the poor work ethic put forth by whomever is behind the grill back there.

As the Blackened Street Tacos were listed as an appetizer, I greedily dug in. And regretted it the moment I did so. The fish was overcooked and as such almost like chewing on a piece of rubber. The pico de Gallo may have been made in the back, however, they must have been on the last few tomatoes as they were a tad on the mealy side and over ripe. The lettuce was old, yellow and leaning towards wilted. I know rabbits that wouldn't eat this crap. The tortillas were, I am guessing, heated in the microwave as they did not taste as they should when heated properly in a pan on a burner. My problem with heating tortillas in the microwave is that it is often the case that the edges get slightly hard and this was the case here.

Moving on to the Greek Burger. Please take a moment and take a quick gander at my photos of said burger. Yep, the picture is not lying. That is a non toasted bun. I asked for a toasted bun, I did not get a toasted bun. How hard is it to toast a bun? For 24 minutes I thought they might have been making the bun to order, but alas, that was obviously not the case. The meat patty was disgusting. It was pre-processed, pre-frozen and had fake grill marks painted on it!!! The Horror!!! If you guessed their purveyor of this gastronomical failure was Sysco, you guessed correctly, as the Sysco rep was on site pushing that low end garbage they claim as food. The patty was, as such, tasteless and had the consistency of a burger made two weeks ago and frozen...oh wait, it was. I think it had four nuggets of Feta and a few sprinkles of feta dust, but honestly, the taste was so horrendous, it was all I could do to force it down so I could give an unfettered, unfiltered food review. The tzatziki sauce was obviously not made on site and was the industrialized Sysco version. In other words, it tasted fake, processed and not unlike paste.

Now for sure I have no idea what they were doing in the kitchen with my order for 24 minutes. With the quality I was presented with, I have no doubt at all that they were not cooking my meal that whole time. My guess is they were grabbing the slop, slapping it together and laughing at the idiot that was going to eat it. Sadly, in this case, that turned out to be yours truly. However, it's all good as I am here for you and not for me to begin with.

The Big Boy says, "This is Swill not fit for human consumption, or animal consumption for that matter. In fact, it should all be thrown in the dumpster. No, that wouldn't be good for the rats. Just burn the lot of it and whatever you do, do not eat here." #iamthebigboy #bigboydiningout

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