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Captain J’s

Sunday 03 February, 2019
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Captain J's- Cocoa Beach- 1.5-Stars

"Cheese -- Milk's leap towards immortality." -- C. Fadiman

Located in the heart of Jeannie and Astronaut territory, at the end of the West Cocoa Beach Causeway, is where one will find this dreadful dining establishment. As they say, location is everything, and while I don't necessarily adhere to that (if your food is good, you could be in the middle of a swamp and people will come), in this case I do think it is true as the proximity of the Causeway makes for a quick and easy escape from this masquerade of a restaurant. It is a beach scene with tourists all over the place and yet, this place was empty on a Saturday at lunchtime no less. This easily has to be the lowest rated restaurant on Yelp that is still open and slingin' slop. How so is a mystery to us here at BBDO?

For starters, the Host gave his name as Alex. I am pretty sure that he is the owner and that Alex is not his real name as I heard other employees address him with deference and a different moniker. "Alex" lead me to an open table (they all were), handed me a menu and adjourned to the back. I have to give credit where credit is due and I found the menu to be highly intriguing. Finding offerings such as Caribbean Fried Bread Sandwich and a Honey Glazed Pork Tenderloin Sandwich alongside Fried Gator Tail Bites showed a very creative kitchen. With that in mind, I anxiously awaited my server for the meal. I was soon approached by a of Chinese ethnicity with limited English skills, which I found bizarre in Cocoa Beach (I just didn't expect it, but hey, it is a smaller World we live in today). With a little bit of work, I managed to place an order for a 12-year-old single malt Scotch--neat and one order of Fish Tacos.

My server quickly returned with my drink order and I must say it was a very generous 2 oz. pour and went down as they say, "as smooth as buttah." Languidly enjoying my serving of Ambrosial whisky, it wasn't long before my meal was placed before me, or at least what passes as a meal around here. You can see for yourself in the accompanying pictures but I found the tortillas to be unevenly heated and hard in places. This tells me they were most likely heated in the microwave and sat out for a tad while awaiting the inside to be put together. Had I known this, I would have run back to the kitchen and told them to make a break for it while they still had the chance as what was put inside them was a tragedy of "Mexican" influenced food. While the fish was cooked properly, it was totally void of all seasoning and had the crappiest excuse for lettuce I have ever seen on top. The sides of rice and beans were abysmal. The rice was so overcooked I had to check that I didn't chip a tooth and the beans were so undercooked as to be just a bit on the crunchy side. Beans are not supposed to be crunchy in the least! To top it all off, the sauce on the side was not pico de gallo, salsa or any kind of sauce one might expect to find alongside a serving of fish tacos, but industrialized Thousand Island Dressing. I kid you not.

As I stated at the start, how this place remains open is a mystery. Yes, this place has great views of the beach, a generous master mixologist and is a fantastic spot for people watching, one of the Big Boy's favorite past times, however, as far as the food goes, the Big Boy says, "Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ever."
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