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Captain Katanna’s

Saturday 23 February, 2019
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Captain Katanna's- North Melbourne- 1.0-Stars

"Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence." -- L.J. Peter

I was asked not too long ago if I didn't find being right all the time annoying. Indeed, sometimes, oftentimes, I wish that I was not. However, as that is hardly ever the case, I am always humbled when I am...even if only slightly incorrect. I assert and will do so until the day I shuffle off this mortal coil, that location doesn't have a thing to do with a restaurants success or failure. If you put forth excellent fare people will come from far and wide no matter if you are in the middle of the Okefenokee (that would be cool, like a Jungle Cruise with good food). However, there is no other explanation, other than a cheerful serving staff, that would allow for Captain Katanna's Dockside Restaurant & Bar to still be in business.

Sitting with an unobstructed view of the Indian River is certainly prime real estate. The entrance is breathtakingly beautiful and the sunsets viewed from any table certainly take your mind off the obvious incompetence of the kitchen staff, but I get ahead of myself. Having been welcomed gregariously and lead to a table we began to do what we here and BBDO do and we proceeded to read the menu with vigor. The menu was both tantalizing and ambitious as it included everything from Buffalo Chicken Wings to Scalloped Mac & Cheese to Shrimp and Grits. As The Big Boy promises an unfettered review, I do not familiarize myself with the place that pops up on my random greasy spoon generator, as such I was very much looking forward to the meal as everything came off as having to be exceedingly delicious based on menu descriptions.

I asked Robin if I could have a Black and Bleu Burger (medium rare), some Clam Strips and one order of Broiled Scallops. Taking in the scenery as I do while awaiting my server to return, I was again, struck by the beauty of the views. The interior was subdued rustic American nautical and the perfect lighting scheme gave the place an overall air of class.

Seeing Robin approaching my table, I readied myself by glancing at my silverware. Looking at the attached photos you can see for yourself why I was horrified and grossed out--my fork was dirty! I am not talking water spot dirty here folks, but some kind of scum/film dirty and I don't think it was detergent either. I requested clean silverware from Robin who profusely apologized as she ran to get me a clean set. Having what appeared to be clean and what I hoped were sanitary tools of subsistence destruction, I turned toward the task at hand.

I was expecting the dirty flatware to be a mistake, not a sign of just what an art form incompetence has been raised to in this establishment. Taking a bite from what looked like a well put together Black and Blue burger, I thought maybe the fork was disgusting as the cook had to wash a load as the dishwasher called in sick or something. However, my burger was well done to the point of compressed rubber (think Hockey puck). As hard as it was, I found it impossible to eat enough to give it any points at all, other than on how perfect it would be on the ice. Sadly, this was not the only item to fall victim to the rampant outbreak of incompetence obviously flourishing among the kitchen staff.

The clam strips were also horribly overcooked and after one bite, all I could taste was burnt oil. Being overdone as they were, there was no consistency to the interior clam strip, the whole thing was as crunchy as a mouthful of Capn' Crunch sans milk lacking any and all flavor other than overcooked fried breading. I was still taking this as an exception, not a theme as I moved on to the final item ordered, the Broiled Scallops.

Beginning with what, at one point, had to be some of the most succulent scallops to be brought forth from the sea, our fearless cook proceeded to attempt to cook any and all flavor right out of them and to give them a consistency akin to a rubber ball. I am here to state, unequivocally, that the cook not only succeeded in his or her attempt but put in that extra effort and went above and beyond the level of incompetency heretofore exhibited. At this point I had to conclude that it was not an exception, that there were no mistakes made in preparing my order, the kitchen staff were just masters of the art of incompetency. I am talking old school Master Pai Mei level here. In fact, if the cook was sporting long groomed white eyebrows along with an overly long matching alabaster beard, I wouldn't be surprised (I would, however, call the nearest casting agent).

The Big Boy says, for a drink with a spectacular view of the sunset to put an exclamation mark on your day, this is your spot. For tasty competently prepared victuals, however, you should seek elsewhere, Grasshopper because this place is HORRID!!!!!! #iamthebigboy #bigboydiningout