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Spiros Taverna and Olympic Diner

Sunday 23 December, 2018
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Spiros Taverna- Vero Beach- 5-stars

Is your dream girl named Toula and off-limits to anyone not related to Alexander the Great? Are you hoping to win the heart of a royal Hellenic princess to become one of Zeus' 158 sons-in-law and get a first-hand look behind the scenes of family reunions bigger than a Woodstock audience with more drama than the over-caffeinated cast of Jerry Springer? Welcome to The Big Boy's Crash Course in Securing Your Big Fat Greek Wedding!

1] Buy fancy stone walls etched with Greek letters and install them inside a blocky strip center with white walls whose skewed layerings with rough-spun surfacing look perfectly like the columns of the Parthenon, with the words of one of the most timeless languages in the world proclaiming your timeless love for some special someone!

2] Call it "Spiro's Taverna" and set up shop as a Greek restaurant on Vero Beach in Indian River Plaza, the perfect way to replicate a breezy seaside resort in the heart of Athens that hosted the very first taverna somewhere in the BC years!

3] Make the prices pretty low with plenty of salads and sandwiches under $10 so that you satisfy The Dating Project's rule of a first date - don't spend more than $10!

4] Choose waitstaff who are very happy but a little slow in the keister like the server Michelle, adding a note of awkwardness that you can laugh off coyly and make your lucky charm from Venus forget a little about the pungent raw garlic in every good tzatziki so you can enjoy its down-home authentic creaminess without getting friendzoned on the first date! There's lots of it - because you'll need every spoonful!

5] Invite her back a second time when you can spend a little bit more on a plentiful and juicy gyro platter, left unassembled so you can show her you're a guy who builds things without anyone's help, and carved directly from a roasted spit so cleanly it must have been with the knife of Hephaestus himself, so you can sing along at the top of your lungs "you spin me right round, baby right round, like a gyro baby" as you drive her back home! It's so energetic that it'll get your leadfoot pumping your '84 Mustang back to her doorstep one minute before the wrath of her gun-totin' father's curfew!

6] Specialize in spanking fresh Greek salad with nothing but fresh romaine lettuce to prove conclusively that your future Psyche is willing to descend to the underworld and put her life on the line for love! The dressing is clearly homemade as one can tell from the color as bizarre as this "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," not white or lemon yellow but as vaguely romantic pink as your girl's face when you sneak your hand onto hers and pretend it was an accident even though you both know darn well it was a flirt!

7] Lead them on a treasure hunt through a glorious array of rice and vegetable side dishes, from oven-roasted potatoes roasted as tender as the touch of her silken hand, so perfectly sliced that you can each bite on one end as your eyes lock onto the endless depth and beauty inside hers, the signature Greek lemon finish sending you for a minute onto Mount Olympus to thank the gods; to freshly cut green beans in a delightful tomato sauce just tart enough to make your lips pucker up as you lean in towards hers; to a perfectly done yellow rice pilaf, dusted with subtle herbal notes, that you almost wish wasn't so good so that you could not feel guilty about wasting rice by throwing it...

8] Because you're getting married! Let her know just how huge your love is by ordering the grandiosely enormous slice of pastitsio, its thick and firm béchamel ceiling the perfect place to mount a ring with which to ask the most important question in the world besides "Boxers or briefs?" Its tomato sauce as deep red as Persephone's pomegranates, as if to say "I would go to Hades and back for you!" Its ground beef and pasta stacked into sturdy towers as thick as wedding cake, but that clearly from one bite of the fresh meat sauce were not sitting in a freezer for one year before you ate them! It covers for the sparseness of the dessert menu, with baklava seemingly thrown into an eclectic mélange of relatively standard dessert options, but by this time you don't think of nor need a dessert because you're already living happily ever after! And like the animated Hercules, would you give up immortality if it meant true love? It would certainly be an easier choice if it also included getting to eat at Spiros!

The Big Boy thusly says to thee:
"How I will make you and me 'we'
Is just about homology!
Come to Spiros and you will see
Sharing food love's meaning shall be
'Cause Eros is all Greek to me!"