Andrei’s Restaurant

Tuesday 21 August, 2018

Andrei's Restaurant - Scottsmoor - 0.5 Star


Piu [pee-yew] - meaning to rot or decay

Brevard County has been my home for 52 years. It is the longest county in Florida clocking in at 72 miles from Micco in the South to Scottsmoor in the North. While Micco has one of the best hidden gem restaurants in the county, Scottsmoor is still an armpit of a veritable food wasteland.

Andrei's came on my radar and I was actually looking forward to the trip north. The restaurant sits inside the Indian River Preserve Golf Club. This stunningly beautiful building houses one of the most disgusting restaurants in which I have ever dined. My loyal readers should be thankful this place is so terrible. You have to drive two miles off the main road through some of the most desolate, slow-moving terrain I have ever driven. I was actually becoming angry as the minutes passed. Not sure why whatever "braniac" designed this access road the way they did but he deserves a solid punch in the mouth.

Once you are done navigating the back trails of Mims you come to a lush open expanse of greenery and the previously stated Taj Mahal-like clubhouse. Sadly, what awaits you inside is an absolute culinary horror show bordering on the criminal. My server Amber had a positive, bubbly, and friendly attitude. However, she was either clueless about the fare or was lied to about what she was serving. She came across as too honest so I am guessing the latter.

I started off with my obligatory unsweetened iced tea. I tasted and realized immediately it was from a soft drink dispenser. It was disgusting. When I asked Amber for something else she replied, "yeah, everyone hates the tea here" - an ominously honest statement coming from an employee. This means the restaurant owner knows everyone hates the tea but be damned if he is going to fix the problem.

I ordered the Big Boy Club with bacon (I should probably sue them for brand infringement but this joint won't be here long). I asked Amber if the turkey was real or processed she said "hold on, let me check." She went in the back came back and said "it's real," but of course, when it arrived, it was clearly processed. This confirmed for me she was being lied to by the kitchen. The second dish I ordered was the Poutine. Let me tell you, I have eaten some creative Poutines in my day. Generally, they are fresh cut spuds smothered in a homemade gravy and topped with melted cheese curds. I should have taken a clue from the disgusting iced tea what was to come. Warning - the picture is not for the squeamish - when this arrived I became nauseous from the smell. For some reason the gravy was mixed with this fetid meat that reeked like it had sat in the walk-in for months. The potatoes were those frozen Ore Ida chunks you pop in the oven for 10 minutes and have no flavor. This was so bad I could not eat it.

I am placing a swill alert on Andrei's Restaurant. Big Boy says "no no no, please don't go." Your stomach will thank me. #bigboydiningout