Aunt Louise’s Pizzeria

Saturday 15 December, 2018

Aunt Louise's Pizzeria- Sebastian, Fl.- 0.5 Stars

Swill Alert

"I think I just bit into a squirrel." -- E. Duckman

Down in Sebastian, over on the mainland side, in yet another Publix strip mall hunkered between an HR Block and a Goodwill Store (ominous music) is where one will find the abhorrent slop-house known as Aunt Louise's Pizzeria. While the inside is quaint and sports the requisite plastic Italian themed tablecloths. Is that a microwave I hear beeping forth from the back?? That never bodes well when it comes to quality food, and here at BBDO, that is all we care about. Period.

Having taken a seat and given time to read over the standard Italian fare on the menu, we were approached by our waitstaff for the day, Kristi. Kristi was very charming and engaging, however, she did bring me sweet tea instead of unsweetened tea. But, as I am in Florida and sweetened is the norm, I'll let it slide this time. She did get the rest of the order correct (sadly) and brought us a slice of pepperoni and ground beef and an order of my Italian eatery barometer Veal Parmigiana Ziti along with a side of Caesar salad and the ever popular garlic knots.

Kristi soon returned with our food and the first thing I noticed was the appearance of the "veal," which I'll get to anon. The slice of pizza looked exceptional. The crust was nice and thin, the way the Big Boy likes it, cooked to a pleasing golden brown and covered most of the plate upon which it was served. However, as we all know, looks can be deceiving and while the top looked perfect it didn't taste all that well and the bottom of the crust was burnt. These were not bottom of the barrel Sysco toppings but certainly weren't all that much higher on the food quality ladder. The ziti that sided up with the "veal" was a perfect al dentè and the red sauce was flavorful with chunks of real garlic swimming lazily inside. However, I have no idea what the meat was here, but it was weird looking and absolutely disgusting. My professional palate couldn't tolerate more than one bite, and that was one too many. My guess is they ran out of veal and substituted some dried up road kill. Strike that, I've had Opossum that tasted better than this garbage. The accompanying Cesar salad was obviously still recovering from the recent romaine call as it was gross and had some pre-packaged, stale, processed croutons thrown on top. The dressing had that unmistakable industrial flavor that we have all come to know and despise. The garlic knots were fresh from the microwave and slathered in a garlic flavored butter sauce. If these are the best on the bill (and they were), it does not bode well for the kitchen staff. If location is really all that important in a restaurant's success or lack thereof (I maintain it's not all that important. If it's good, they will come). It is rather convenient that there is a Good Will donation center right next door to Aunt Louise's. It makes dumping this swill all the easier.

The Big Boy says, "Unless you like mystery meat, stay away from this dump." #iamthebigboy #bigboydiningout.