Blue Heron Restaurant

Tuesday 23 October, 2018

Blue Heron Restaurant - Great Outdoors - 1-Star

The Great Outdoors is the safest trailer park in the United States. Amazingly, the restaurant is open to the public. Unfortunately, I wish it was not because the food is horrendous. It's bad enough that they serve this food to the residents, much less the public at large.

As I approached the guard gate, I was literally asked to "state my business." I said cheerily I was coming to try the Blue Heron Restaurant yet this surly creep started barking orders at me. People who know me realize I don't respond well to overzealous authority, especially when it is being wielded by a rent-a-cop with a terrible attitude. I handed him my driver's license and was stunned when he asked me to step out of my vehicle for a pat down search. Okay, that didn't happen, but he was an execrable cretin. Since my papers were in order, the Gestapo let me proceed. As I started to move forward he said, "and don't go over 10 mph or you will get a ticket." What immediately came to mind is first, 15 miles per hour is the lowest legal speed in the State of Florida, and second, I was wondering if this was Titusville jurisdiction or the Sheriff's Department. Apparently, I didn't have long to wait as my speed at 15 mph was duly noted by The Great Outdoors police department, which is a non-legal vigilante group who keep a firm grip on speeding in the park. After eating at the Blue Heron, we departed with an escort assigned to exit us from the park at the 10 mph speed. I approached the exit and the lead escort stopped, trapping me so I could not get out. This portly guy got out of his 1985 Chevy Suburban reeking of booze and told me he was going to write me a ticket and ban me from the park. I told him I was going to make a citizen's arrest of him for false imprisonment. I guess I was more convincing and he moved his vehicle so I could leave.

All this to protect low-end, thoughtless food. The real story here is the absurd park rules and ruthless KGB-like intimidation tactics. However, I feel obligated to dish a bit about the chow. The best statement I can give is upon exiting the restaurant, I see a GFS truck. Our friends at GFS service the people even Sysco won't sully themselves with, and seeing them is never a great sign of food quality.

We ordered the Cowboy Wrap, which according to the menu is slow-roasted ribeye and sautéed fried onions, drizzled in horseradish sauce and melted provolone. I'm not sure who is slow-roasting this meat, but it's not the Blue Heron. These were frozen meat strips stuffed in a flour tortilla with sad onions and the lowest grade of provolone that is possible. I finished off with French Fries so tasteless they should be embarrassed to even be serving them.

Big Boy says, if you want to learn what it was like living in Nazi Germany or Communist Russia, The Great Outdoors is worth the price of admission, but if being hassled by rent-a-cops and overzealous trailer park residents are not your thing, then skip over this horrid place. If the food were fantastic, I'd say it would be worth going through all of the difficulty to get there, but the Blue Heron Restaurant doesn't rate high enough to even bother. #iamthebigboy #bigboydiningout