The Ice Cream Shoppe - 2 Stars - Melbourne
The torture I endure on behalf of my followers oftentimes gives me pause to reflect on why I consume thoughtless grub on their behalf. I also spend a great deal of time trying to get into the head of an owner of an establishment such as this.
I try to imagine the owner lying in bed at night, as he must be thinking to himself, "you know, I want to open an ice cream shop. I'll have 35 flavors of the lowest grade and quality of ice cream I can find because there's a sucker born every minute, like P.T. Barnum said, so they won't even notice. - Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket! Oh, oh, wait....and I will sell pies too - I won't make them myself, but I know a great company I can get them from who has really cheap pies that taste like cardboard, with filling that tastes like artificially flavored jelly. What are they called again? Oh yeah...Sysco."
"But wait - it gets better - not only will I have ice cream and pies, but I'll also add on a restaurant to spread myself even thinner and compromise the quality to make it work. I'll sell food bowls, yeah, like, say a pulled rubbery chicken bowl with over cooked Basmati rice with black beans and crappy pre-shredded cheese on top, but I will make sure I use romaine lettuce for some nutrition. Yes! This is a can't-miss winner. I will make sure to hire people who are clueless about the menu and hire a homeless person to mop the floors during business hours so he can slop dirty, brackish water all over the customers while they eat. Boy, I've got the golden ticket now - I'm gonna max my credit cards and go all in to make sure this winner of a restaurant happens!"
Hopefully, you'll note this review had sarcasm mode on. However, in all seriousness, Big Boy says drive past this dump - it's not even worth your time.